It’s January 1, 2017 (observed)
One of my personal goals for 2017 is to rewire my perspective about my life. Ok, you got me… this has been my personal goal every new year since I can remember, but I am getting closer.
I got thinking about my life in general. I was impressed with how emotionally stable I was as I sifted through the chronology of tortures. Then, all of the sudden, I clearly heard chanting;
“IT REALLY SUCKED! IT REALLY SUCKED!
IT REALLY SUCKED!”
I am usually oblivious to these intrusive negative mood persuaders, but I was pretty sure that this was one of those thoughts that could implode into an emotional meltdown if I didn’t keep the thought from triggering my overly sensitive stress response system.
I stopped right in the middle of my living room and demanded,
“Really? My life sucked?
According to who?”
Now here’s the dilemma, I am the only one in the room. I know very well that the taunting remarks were echoes of years of verbal abuse from my ex-husband, but why was I still doing his dirty work? Why was I still marching down that same path to trigger my emotional pain?
While having contact with my ex-husband directly or by what he was doing to the children, he controlled my emotions and self worth, he made me question my intellect, and cultivated my perceptions of the present and the future. After cutting off contact with him, I found myself living only in the past. The past with him in it. The past with my children in it. The past that was 1/2 empty.
I have processed a lot of the trauma and the past is starting to become the past, which has no control over my present or future. But the past will always control our present and future if we filter our perceptions of the world through glass that is ½ empty.
In her Ted Talk, Alison Ledgerwood discusses how we get stuck in the negatives with those pesky personal rejections (10 minutes).
After watching this Ted Talk, I began to challenge myself to see my world as it is. This will take conscious, mindful work, but here is how I am going to start.
When I think about my years in hell and family court (which are one in the same), I am amazed. I did everything humanly possible to stop my ex-husband from abusing our children. And, I did it to the best of my ability.
I did it alone.
I did it afraid.
I did it traumatized.
I did it depressed.
I did it exhausted.
I did it all AND
I stayed in the game.
As for 2017, Johnny Truant gives us this advice:
“This is game time, champ.
You're in, playing, right now,
and the clock is ticking.”