Many, if not most family lawyers will tell us that they have had high-conflict cases before and indeed they probably have, but that doesn’t mean that they know what high-conflict really means or what they need to do about it. If we are going to have a chance of getting or keeping custody and placement of our children and effectively shut down our high-conflict ex-partner, our lawyers must clearly understand that high-conflict personalities drive the conflict in these cases.
Researchers and authors have been publishing evidence about high-conflict family court cases for over 50 years. Yet, family lawyers are still baffled about what causes these cases or how to resolve them. The first problem is that most judges, family, lawyers, guardian ad litems, and mental health professionals erroneously believe that “high-conflict” means that both parties are equally contributing to the ongoing conflict in and out of court. This definition is very prevalent, but it is wrong. Targeted parents generally do not contribute to the marital conflict. In fact, we are just responding to the attacks on our character and are trying to protect our children from the horrible impact of parental conflict.
Family lawyers who believe that both parents are contributing to the ongoing conflict, will follow traditional methods of divorce litigation such as mediation and individual therapy. Unfortunately, traditional litigation methods will not change the dynamics of high-conflict cases. Lawyers must understand what “high-conflict” really means.
“High-conflict” cases is those divorces and/or contested custody disputes involving one litigant (and rarely two) who has a personality or a personality disorder in which they are driven to conflict. These litigants do not want to resolve issues or settle disputes. Rather, they want to use the court to continually engage with us and maintain an avenue for control and abuse. The literature refers to a litigant who drives conflict in family court as a person with a high-conflict personality or a high-conflict parent/partner (HCP).
This understanding makes all the difference. If your lawyer thinks, like most family law attorneys think; that we are part of the problem then your lawyer will not be open to see the HCP’s high-conflict patterns of behaviors. Lawyers do not like to be “educated” by their clients; however, we must try to help our lawyers recognize that our high-conflict cases are being driven by the other “high-conflict” parent. To do this, we need to talk to our attorneys about high-conflict and why it appears like we are part of the problem.
The HCP repeats two behaviors that make it appear to our lawyers that we might be part of the problem. First, the HCP will file multiple unsupported allegations against us that shed suspicion on our character. Aside from being traumatizing, a type of emotional abuse, this forces us to defend our morality, integrity, and mental health. Second, HCPs continually violate court orders which were put in place to reduce conflict and protect our children from the parental conflict. Violating orders requires us to go back into court to try and have these orders enforced. This merry-go-round in which the HCP continually drives conflict by filing motions and violating orders force us to stay engaged with them through the court. Targeted parents do not usually initiate court action. We are acting reasonably and trying to protect our children from the conflict driven by the HCP.
Call to Action:
As early as you can, have a polite “come to Jesus” discussion with your lawyer or potential lawyer. Say that you’ve read an article or a book about high-conflict cases and that you believe that your situation is high-conflict. Ask him or her to explain what high-conflict means and how knowing that your ex-partner has a high-conflict personality will effect the way he or she will manage your case.
A good answer includes a recognition that the other litigant has a high-conflict personality and the case is not suited for traditional litigation such as mediation or collaboration.
A better answer includes the above and that your lawyer anticipates that the HCP will file unsupported allegations (false allegations without evidence), and repeatedly violate even the smallest of court orders. Given this, your lawyer should discuss the need to be very assertive in documenting the HCP’s behaviors and holding him or her accountable.
The best answer includes the above and the lawyer also recognizes that high-conflict cases are extremely harmful to children and must be fast tracked.
If your lawyer can’t give you a good answer, then you need to consider how well your attorney will be able to zealously represent you.